Thursday 27 December 2012

Tears


"I fell in love with you when you were forming in my womb, now I carry you in my heart instead of my arms" 


December 19th, 2012 was the most difficult day of my entire life. It was on this day that I had to say good-bye to my second child. I was 8 weeks pregnant with baby number two. I was expected to have this baby August 1st. We were very excited to tell our immediate family and friends the exciting news on Christmas Day. We were thrilled that our son Isaiah would soon be a big brother. Isaiah was very excited, we told him right away and he would kiss my belly and say "I love you baby". 

Wednesday December 19th, I was lying in bed as today was my day off from work.  Isaiah kissed my belly and whispered the words ,"I love you baby". I like to think of this moment as Isaiah saying good-bye to his younger sibling. Within a couple hours I realized there was a problem, things were not right. I texted my husband Mark immediately and told him, "please pray for our baby, I think we are losing it". I dropped Isaiah off at my parent's house and drove to Emergency. I prayed the entire way there, "please God, do not let this happen to me, please let me be overreacting". 

When I arrived at the ER the Medical Receptionist asked me why I was coming in. At that moment I had to say the words I had been dreading to hear, "I think I'm having a miscarriage". As soon as I heard the words I started bawling. They brought me to a separate room where the doctor informed me that I was probably going to lose the baby. They did not have a definite answer, but things were not looking good. They would do blood work and then they would know more...or so they told me. 

Since there were no extra rooms in the hospital I had to sit in the waiting room and wait for my results. All I wanted at this point was to be alone and just cry. Cry for that precious little baby I would never get to hold in my arms, whose smile I would never get to see, whose laughter I would never hear. Rather I was forced to contain my emotions in a room full of strangers. My phone had now died, I couldn't even tell my husband what was going on. I sat alone, in that horrible waiting room pinching myself, telling myself this was all just an awful nightmare. 

The doctor now had my blood results, they were showing that I was still pregnant. However, I knew deep down I was losing this baby. They sent me to ultrasound where they found a baby 5 weeks in size who did not have a heartbeat. The ultrasound technician was very kind, reassuring me that miscarriages are more common than people think, it was natures way of ending an unhealthy pregnancy. I appreciate her efforts, but it was not exactly what I wanted to hear at this point. 

I drove home tears in my eyes wondering WHY? Why had God allowed me to even become pregnant in the first place? Just to take this child away from me? 



Last year in Early January I was diagnosed with Latent Tuberculosis. I had to undergo 9 months of treatment to reduce the risk of it ever becoming active. 9 months of driving to a specialist in Hamilton once a month, taking daily medication and getting weekly bloodwork. Worst of all this diagnosis delayed our plan to have a baby when we would have originally liked. I was so happy when the treatment was finally done and we could start "trying" for a baby. To our surprise we were blessed with a pregnancy very quickly. 

We were very thankful for this blessing, I'm still very thankful. I was able to spend 2 months being pregnant (I actually love being pregnant). I now have the excitement of knowing that one day I'll get to meet my second child in heaven. I know he or she is receiving the best possible care, with Jesus. This quote has been very encouraging to me over the past week. 

"And to think that when they opened their little eyes, the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus" 


I am still healing. This whole process has been very painful for me. I have moments where I am strong and other times when I am weak. My young son has noticed my sudden change in emotions, hugging me while I lie on the bed crying. He's been telling friends and even strangers, "Mommy's sad". I do feel the comfort of prayer and the support of some good friends and family. I originally planned on keeping everything a secret but I decided, why hide it? Why should I pretend that this baby did not exist? Why shouldn't I celebrate their short life? This is why I write today, to tell the story of my second child. The child I know I will get to meet again someday. I know God has a special plan for our lives, I need to remember the following:

"In his Heart a man plans his course, BUT the Lord determines his steps" Proverbs 16:9 

My cousin told me a cute quote from one of her students, "Daddy told me that if mommy wouldn't have had a miscarriage, I would never have been born".... I don't know exactly what God has up his sleeve for my little family, but I'm leaving it in his hands. As much as I LOVE to plan and control I need to let go. 




I would like to thank....

My friends and family who check in with me every day to make sure I'm doing ok.

The friends who have shown they care through coming to visit, sending flowers or cards. 

The friends who have been continuallly praying. 

My sweet husband who checks in with me multiple times a day to see how I'm doing. 

My lovely little boy who gives me hugs and tells me daily how much he loves me.  

You have all made this difficult process that much easier  


If you are reading this and are someone who has experienced something very similar in your life. Do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to talk to you. <3

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